Dreams Just Aren’t Enough

How can someone be so happy…

and yet so sad?

 

I hate waiting.

Time moves by so slowly.

I hate the anxiety.

I hate not knowing whats going to happen.

Why isn’t ANYTHING easy?

Down An Unknown Road To Embrace My Fate

damn him.

i shouldn’t be this affected by him.

he gave me the coldest shoulder i’ve ever gotten, and wow, it tore me apart.

and yet i would still drop everything for him. Why??

i don’t need him.

Do i even really want him?

i am happy!!! I AM HAPPY! Honestly and for real. I’m happy.

so why do i feel like crying when i see him happy with his girl?

why do i want to be the girl he’s happy with?

damn him.

Don’t Count On Me

Don’t count on me. . .

to let you know when.

Don’t count on me. . .

I’ll do it again.

Don’t count on me. . .

is the point you’re missing.

Don’t count on me. . .

‘CAUSE I’M NOT LISTENING!

“You Like That, Don’t You?”

my life is circling the drain.

 

but i guess i brought it on myself.

 

no regrets, right?

Making Christmas, Making Christmas. . .

I am such a hobby-ist. =/

I realized that i have so many activities to do, and i’ve quite literally “put too much on my plate”. I guess I don’t feel sucessful unless I am doing something, and as a result, I start too many things and end up having to put a hold on or just end some of them, which makes me feel bad.

I love being involved in things and helping out, and i also love organizing things as well as crafty stuff. Right now, I am the “secret agent” of an online club, I’m trying to get daniel and me involved with a new church youth group, I have a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle that is half done and a 2000 piece to do after that. I still try to work on my photography, I’m trying to go to the gym, I’m going to be working for my old churchs’ VBS, and on top of all that, i’m trying to find time to decorate my house.

Ugh. I just love to pile things on top of myself until i can’t do anymore.

So Tell Me….

My happiness should not depend on what others think of me!

I shouldn’t care if people in the pharmacy think I’m “Retarded” and laugh at my small happiness.

So what if I bought Dead Rising for the sheer joy of a good zombie game?

So what if I want chinese food all the time, and often like to accompany said food with an asian horror flick?

Who cares if I sometimes talk as if I’m from a Shakespearian play?

I don’t need your blessing to enjoy the things that I enjoy.

I only ask that you respect my privacy and keep the laughter to yourself.

There Maybe Somethere There That Wasn’t There Before

Material Posessions!!!

Why am i bound to such things?

I always catch myself silently judging people by the clothes that they wear, the car they drive, they house they live in. I can’t stand it! I try to not judge people at all, but it is that silent judging that throws me off balance. I don’t even realize that I’m judging.

I also feel bound to material posessions because i always want to buy new things. I want more clothes. I want more shoes. I want more household goodies. I want, I want, I want!

There is a story in the bible about a man who wants to follow Jesus, but he doesn’t because Jesus tells him to abandon his posessions. I feel just like that man. If Jesus were to come to me today and tell me to drop everything and follow him, I would so do it, but it would be hard! I have worked hard for everything i have and i’m very lucky to have such good things in my life. Even so, I shouldn’t let those things control me. I shouldn’t crave posessions. I should crave more important things like good friends, good memories, and good times.

All that being said…. I think i want to go shopping.

They Say That A Hero Can Save Us

I’ve noticed something about myself recently.

Something that i do without thinking and that would bother the crap out of me if i were someone else.

I have a compulsive need to be prepared. Honestly. If i know that i will be taking a trip within the next year, i will sit down and plan the crap out of that trip. I’ll do everything short of making an itenerary (sp). I’ll check out every motel, attraction, restaurant…. everything! when planning The-Disney-Trip-That-Probably-Won’t-Happen, i printed out every possible ticket option for three different resorts. that took about 2 hours and 25 sheets of paper, and that was just tickets, dinning, and transportation. I already have a day-by-day schedule for the parks (courtesy of my disney-obsessed math teacher). I am entirely flexible on anything i plan, but i HAVE to plan it. i can’t stand just blindly going somewhere. i’m totally up for spur-of-the-moment trips, but if i know even a week in advance, you can bet i’ll show up with planning papers.

Aside from planning for an event, i feel a need to buy things way in advance. For instance, Daniel is still trying to talk me into having kids. i know i will probably agree if he compromises about moving (which i will probably start planning soon. haha). Even though i haven’t made a decision yet, i’ve caught myself thinking about buying baby things for when the time comes. =/ I don’t really like kids, so this isn’t one of those things where i want baby stuff. I just know that i am eventually going to have kids, so i feel like i should go ahead and start buying things like diapers (sp) and bottles and other generic baby needs like things for a nursery. This is nuts! I tried to tell myself that i’m suppose to get things like that at a baby shower but here’s the kicker: i don’t want a baby shower! i hate asking people for things. I hate it when people spend money on me that they otherwise wouldn’t have. i would rather start now, and have everything i need bought when the time comes than ask people to buy me things.

how do you people stand me?!

It Doesn’t Sound As Good Outside My Head

let’s talk…. weight loss.

i know, i know, you just sighed in boredom, didn’t you? Well i did too, actually.

i HATE discussing weight loss mainly because every idea, every tactic, every concievable notion has already been considered if not tried.

not everyone can follow the same plan and have success,  you know.

i have a regime that might actually work. there is only one flaw to it.

the flaw – i am not “eating healthy”. well strike that, i am so eating healthy. i’m eating plenty of fruits and veggies and i’m drinking lots of water (okay so i’m only drinking like two bottles a day, but if you know me, then you know that that is a cause for celebration). the only problem is that i think that when i stop exercising, one of two things will happen. i will either get fat again, or i will develop an eating disorder. i’m pretty sure it will be the former because i don’t have enough will power to actually have an eating disorder.

i had an eating disorder once, even though i don’t really count it. i don’t think little kids can have a clinical “eating disorder” becasue i didn’t realize that i wasn’t eating. i wasn’t motivated by the need to be thin or anything, so i don’t think it counts. i just didn’t eat. i was a bean pole. no, i was skinnier than that. none of my clothes fit. i always bought the smallest size of jeans and they still had to be taken up. this was the time period from birth until i was 14 or 15. i remember only eating a few crakers and a pack of fruit gummies a day. i remember going on vacation with my grandparents (the ones from New Orleans) and them begging me to eat even a yogurt cup, which i could only eat half of. i just wasn’t hungry. on that same trip, i remember my grandmother saying that she would buy me whatever i wanted from the grocery store as long as i promised to eat it. i got a box of lucky charms cereal. the first time i ate an entire McDonalds Happy Meal (fries, burger, and drink), i was 12 years old. Nana was so happy that she bought me a toy and called everyone to tell them. i thought she was crazy. haha.

so no worries over a disorder.

if i do manage to get to where i want to be, i just hope i can find a healthy way of staying there. that is my main concern. what i meant when i said that i wasn’t eating healthy was “i’m not teaching myself to make good food choices so that i will continue to make good choices to keep my weight loss.” Everyone knows that crash diets work great, but you just gain the weight right back once you stop. The only way to really lose and keep it lost is to teach yourself to make good eating choices and learning to stay active.

i have yet to do that.

I’m Right Here, Waiting.

What is it with depression?

Its the worst thing on the planet.

I have no reason to be depressed, so why am I?

The worst part is feeling that nothing is worth getting up to do.

I don’t want to surf the internet because there just isn’t anything to do. I don’t want to get up to do my work. I feel like i just want to go home. But when I get home, I don’t want to watch a movie because the movie will end and I will have to get up and pick another one. I don’t want to clean because I know it will just get dirty again in a day or so. I will probably just sit on the couch and read, and then notice that several hours has passed and I have done nothing. Daniel will come home and notice that something is wrong. He will get frustrated because I keep telling him that nothing is wrong and that I am honestly just depressed for no reason.  He’ll act like a total asshole because he just doesn’t get how someone can be depressed for no reason. He’ll make me feel like crap with all of his jerk-i-ness and then leave me alone to eventually eat something, and then keep reading. I’ll notice its time for bed and want to cry because I know that tomorrow will be exactly the same.

 

There. I just predicted my entire day. I’m an effing psychic.

I just wanna go home.